The popular proverb says to “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer,” Oscar Wilde wrote “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much”; the list of similar expressions could go on and on. And it’s likely safe to say that most of them bear some truth in them, considering that they’re prevalent to this day.

Another similar phrase, attributed to Napoleon Bonaparte, suggests to “Never interrupt an enemy while they are making a mistake”, and redditors proved that one to be true. User ‘Spinksy48’ asked the ‘Ask Reddit’ community members what was their “never-interrupt-an-enemy” moment, and they had plenty of stories to share. Scroll down to find them on the list below and see why some expressions are able to stand the test of time.

#1

During my very long and exhausting divorce, my ex husband kept insisting he was ready to settle, we would schedule a conference with my lawyer and I, and then pushed papers around the table for 2 hours. He would just argue over petty details rather than actually discuss anything. This happened a few times. I was incredibly frustrated because I genuinely walked into this wanting to compromise so it would be over quickly. But that was never an option. Note that I hired a lawyer and he did not - he was convinced he could do it on his own better. So after a few rounds of this, I got the impression that he was trying to waste my money until I could no longer retain my lawyer and then he thought he would have the upper hand. I made less than half of what he did at the time and my lawyer's retainer fee wiped out my entire savings so it was a very real concern. My suspicions were confirmed when one day as we were walking out of my lawyer's office, he told me this, word for word while chuckling.

I passed this on to my lawyer who actually cackled and told me "let him." It was then that I learned that we were 6 months out from being married 10 years and at that point, I would be entitled to a sizable part of his pension upon retirement.

She let him play his games for 6 more months without saying a word and then finally took our case before a judge 5 days after our 10 year anniversary. Not only did I get part of his pension, but she also got the judge to order him to pay almost all of my lawyers fees. The beauty of it was that it 100% his fault for playing games.

Image credits: littleirishpixie

#2

In high school Spanish, this stereotypical dumb jock who sat in front of me would turn around and take my paper from me to copy my answers. He knew he could get away with it because I was an awkward pushover.

One day, I took two copies of a verb worksheet and purposefully put down wrong answers because this guy was like clockwork. He took the wrong answer copy like a complete sucker and the next day when the teacher was passing back papers, his work sheet said 60% and mine was 100% (foreign language was my jam in HS).

He turns around extremely pissed off and calls me an effing "R" word, saying "you got these wrong!!!". I showed him my worksheet with a perfect score and said, "i'm flattered that you trust me so much".

Eat s**t, Patrick. I still savor picturing the disgust on your face 20 years later.

Image credits: nancynapalm

#3

Guy stole a presentation from me, this is 25 years ago. We hated each other. When he started presenting I realized I had made a huge error, didn’t say anything. Let him get through it. Asked him about the error, he couldn’t answer. This was in front of ceo. Got fired, not for just that, he was an overall douche. This was before everyone was on PCs, had one printer in one room.

Image credits: Bmilvis

#4

I let the lady who changed lanes into me run her mouth about how I rear ended her before pulling the cop aside to show him my DashCam footage.

Image credits: ThrowingChicken

#5

I was doing a mortgage for a French guy in Miami Beach that had a French realtor. Even though both were completely fluent in English, she frequently did asides in French having no idea I spoke the language. When they settled on a property and we were riding the elevator down from the condo she told him that look, these guys are scumbags, and they're going to screw you over and I have a much better person that you can work with (even though the way foreign investment works is identical throughout the state). Towards the end of the ride, I say to the guy in fluent French that we would be happy to compare our proposal with whatever her people could come up with and it's his choice but certainly we would like to work with him on this and any future investments. He starts laughing his a*s off, and she was completely mortified. He went with us and fired her as his agent. On the spot.

Image credits: austexgringo

#6

Not my story, but several years ago my older brother was fighting for custody of his son with his ex-wife.

As the first custody hearing date approached, they were exchanging [un]pleasantries over text and my brother ended up saying something along the lines of, "I'm not continuing this conversation. I will see you on the 15th."

The ex-wife told him, "The hearing is on the 25th dumb*ss."

So of course instead of correcting her, my brother just allowed her to keep thinking it was the wrong date, and she missed the first hearing entirely.

It became the first of many mistakes she made in the court system that eventually led to my brother and the woman who is now his second wife winning full custody of his son.

Image credits: Damn_Furries

#7

I was accused by a neighbour of reversing out my drive and hitting his car. He gave me the date and time I had allegedly done it, and pointed to a (small) scrape on my car that supposedly matched perfectly the location of the dent on his.

This was 7 weeks after the alleged event, by the way.

I said it wasn't me but told him to contact his insurance and we'd see what they said. Few weeks later I get a letter from my insurance asking what had happened, to which I responded with the date I had bought my car (and updated my insurance) - two weeks after the supposed bump.

He never spoke to me again but I used to give him a cheery wave every time I saw him glowering at his window.

Image credits: Gazcobain

#8

I remember an account manager for a big software vendor, that always gave us a hard time. He would constantly nag about things he promised or terms in the contract. One day it was time for contract negotiations and our head legal attended, that also happened to be the wife of the company's owner.

When we sat down and she gave him some coffee he bluntly told her how nice it was, that she as a waitress was also attending. It didn’t take long for them to find us a new account manager.

Image credits: Renjoh

#9

My half-sister moved in with my ex-husband the day I moved out. They swore they weren’t sleeping together (I didn’t ask, they told me without prompting). So I saw no reason to tell my ex that my sister had herpes. After all, they said they weren’t sleeping together. Guess who was on Valtrex two months after the divorce ?.

Image credits: BronxBelle

#10

An old boss who was awful to me after I took an extra few days of bereavement. She was just not smart so I emailed her a recap of a meeting we’d had about said days off. She responded not only confirming what she’d said but throwing in a bit of racism.

I escalated. I’d been at the company in a different location for 8 yrs with an outstanding track record so I had some credibility.

2-3 weeks later my team was called into a last minute meeting where her early retirement was announced and my colleague saw her crying in the parking lot later that day (her last day!).

I really don’t hate anyone generally but that made me so happy and looking back I still hate her lol.

Image credits: Objective-Amount1379

#11

Our friend group had one guy I had personally cut off because he was a terrible drunk.

Another friend of mine was having a cookout and decided to invite the guy I had cut off despite me saying he was going to do some stupid s**t.

Fast forward into two hours into the cookout, the friend I had cut off from my life got drunk and decided it'd be funny to sucker punch a guy with aspergers...everyone was telling him how big of a piece of s**t thing that was to do...but he laughed and shrugged and played it off as no big deal...as the aspergers guy was holding back tears. I didn't have to do a f*****g thing, he showed everyone who he was. everyone stopped f*****g with him after that. Good riddance.

Image credits: JakeSkywalkerr

#12

I used to live in an apartment that had a very old lease (college students basically passed this place’s lease down like inheritance until it came to us) and, legally, the landlord could only increase the rent yearly by a small fraction of the current lease’s rent. The exceptions to this were if the apartment was being renovated (in which case it would be her responsibility to accommodate us while renovating) or if it had been vacant for a year between leases.

She knew our lease’s rent was extremely low, and so wanted to get rid of us and jack up the rent on a new tenant. She sent us a letter about 2 weeks before our lease would be renewed saying she was renovating and we’d have to leave.

Well, it happened my roommate was not just a college student, but a law student. And he happened to know she had to give us a lot more notice than that. So we plainly told her we weren’t leaving and she’d be welcome to take us to court.

Which, she did. She told the judge she wanted to renovate, and the judge asked her for the new floor plan and a cost estimate of the proposed renovation. She had none of those things. When the judge asked why, she said she’d only decided to renovate a week prior. When the judge asked why she’d taken this decision after the legal deadline (6 months notice are required to end a lease) she said she was only renovating so she could start a new lease on the property. The judge literally facepalmed at her response, dismissed the case, and renewed our lease with *no* rent increase for the year, since she hadn’t presented us a new one with enough delay to contest it.

We were just sitting there with our mouths open, bewildered that she could have been dumb enough to say the quiet part out loud straight to the judge.

Image credits: imyourzer0

#13

My village has a lot of shops in the centre with a number of flats above the shops.

A new developer arrived, bought up all the properties and raised the rent ridiculously high on a 10 year contract for force all the small businesses and renters out. His idea was to redevelop the face of the village into a modern metro type area.

The problem was he’s forced out every business, but no one signed up for his new leases. More than half the village shops are empty and it’s an eyesore. All the businesses have gone to the big shopping centres.

So no investors want any part of it. He’s now ran out of money and can’t build his metro douchey revamp anymore and is having to sell to recoup his lost rental earnings.

Image credits: Naughtyspider

#14

Last year I listened to my (now ex) manager make discriminatory comments about my disabilities, and said nothing while she reiterated her ableist points, just continued taking notes. I also didn’t make a point to correct her when she sent her report full of more discrimination and straight up insults and accusations. She ended that report with a poorly veiled threat. A couple months ago, after 25 years in that job she handed in her notice to escape the sh*tstorm I had summoned to her front doorstep. I used all of her own words against her to drag her to hell and back. She bloody deserved it too, the s**t she put me through destroyed my mental health. Her position got dissolved and our entire department started to be majorly restructured, and I’m still here.

Image credits: ElectricYV

#15

As I was being fired from a job, the district manager requested we record the conversation. He thought I was gonna be very upset, so I obliged. Then when he started to tell me why I was being fired he started with, “You are gonna be graduating college soon, and we want to make sure we get ahead of you leaving us.”

I very calmly asked he send me the recording right after he said that. Then later that day I called a lawyer. I now have no student loan debt.

Edit:: To give context, I was able to win litigation due to breach of contract. I don’t feel like the internet is the right place to go into further detail.

Image credits: JRTHEAMAZING

#16

Years ago I worked extremely hard on preparing a presentation for a tech conference. It would be my first speaking gig. I was nervous af. I practiced. I refined. I got advice. I practiced some more. My manager was generally a nasty woman but she was supportive of this. Though she never once saw or heard my presentation.

We travel to Vegas. It turns out there was a far greater demand than they expected, so they moved us to the main stage room. There were expecting about 500 plus walk-ins. I was 10x nervous af.

Well, immediately prior to the start, she noticed a very well known media person and their photographer sitting in the front row. She got all excited and insisted that she was going to co-deliver it. She even went so far as to put her name on title slide.

So... I of course was fuming. We go on stage, she does a decent intro and then I start in. She keeps interrupting so I just let her run with it. It reminded me of a morning show. A bunch of people, with overwhelmingly fake smiles talking over each other. This was a deeply technically topic with a live demo. She fumbled each slide worse than the next. And then she got to the "Live Demo" slide and... froze. I had the wherewithal to let her die. It was gloriously brutal.

We had a, let's say, confrontation after. I left within 2-3 mos. She got fired shortly after.

Oh, and the media people she was prancing for left immediately before the start. I think they were just sitting there from the prior session. Perfect.

Image credits: kooknboo

#17

When a coworker who I hated got fired a few weeks after I decided to stop fixing his mistakes even if it impacted a client.

Image credits: Hrekires

#18

We had a catered lunch at work. There was a sushi platter along with all the usual condiments. My stupid manager (whom I despised very much) slathered her maki roll with wasabi. She looked at me and said: "I didn't know sushi was served with guacamole". She then shoved two pieces in her mouth simultaneously. Exactly 3 seconds later, she began to sweat profusely and spat out a sludge of half-chewed maki rolls and wasabi. After recoveing from the shock, she yelled "What kind of guacamole was that ?", not realizing it was not guacamole at all.

Image credits: osiris1213

#19

Oh I have SO many! But my favorite happened a few years ago.

I used to drive a Dodge Ram truck (the irony of this still gets me) and was in the Walmart parking lot one day. I had stopped to let a car in front of me go, and some broad drove right into the back of my truck.

There just so happened to be an officer across the street so he quickly comes over and makes sure we're all good, then asks what happened. The lady tells him I backed into her! She told him I was backing out of a parking spot (I wasn't) and backed into her.

The cop looked at her and was like "ma'am, I saw the whole thing and personally witnessed you drive into her".

I never even had to say a word. She got slapped with a few tickets though, including distracted driving.

Image credits: getyourglow

#20

I have my own custody battle.

When I split with my ex-wife, one of the main reasons she gave for me not being able to spend time with my daughter was because she was convinced I was going to take her to my parents house, and my mum liked to smoke (only cigarettes, but still…) in the house.

We arrived in court, and I met her and her lawyer in the reception area. The three of us struck up a conversation, mostly about the case, and in the course of that conversation, the fact that my mum had passed away a month earlier happened to come up. The look on her lawyers face - it was clear this was the first time she’d heard about my mum passing, my ex-wife (who was very aware of it) hadn’t mentioned it to her, and this was obviously quite a vital part in their whole argument! Within 30 minutes, her lawyer had drafted an agreement about how we’d share custody of my daughter - I signed it, and we got the judge to effectively rubber-stamp it for us.

#21

I was a lead developer in a small company producing IOT devices.

My manager hired his friend from his previous company. A guy who was super arrogant and knew everything better. Theoretically, my opinion on the development of the project should be decisive, but neither my manager nor his buddy cared about it.

I tried to talk to the manager about the problems with the new colleague, but he brushed me off.

The new guy - being so brilliant - was given one important component of the system to do. Of course, he made it clear that he didn't need any help from me.

Weeks and months passed. In the meetings, his component was always in the last phase of testing. But I had access to the git repository, and I saw how messy it was. No one asked me for my opinion, so I didn't say anything. I waited.

The deadline has come, the release of the product. And of course nothing works. Higher management became interested in the case, and my manager could only avoid being fired in one way - he fired his buddy.

A few weeks later, I left the company. That was over a year ago, and as far as I know, the product still hasn't hit the market.

Image credits: BelmTheOwl

#22

My husband and I were driving down highway 2 into Boston. Traffic was congested but going pretty steady, and both lanes going at about the same pace, maybe 40mph. Like I can't emphasize enough how no one was winning in either lane. We were in the left lane following a cop car and leaving a respectable space between. A contractor van was behind us riding our a*s, as if that would help their cause. So we change lanes when the opportunity presented itself.

That impatient idiot floored it right up to the cop's a*s and started riding him. A few seconds of that and the cop pulled into the left breakdown/construction lane, slowed down and pulled back in line behind the van lights and sirens blaring.

Husband and I were awestruck.

Image credits: cambrianwhore

#23

My ex co-worker was pos and he was using "I have a baby so I needs certain shifts more ". But that didn't matter if he randomly decided to get wasted on alcohol and white powder. He would call me in the middle of the night to cover his morning shift etc etc. And I would cover his shift, and yet, when I needed him to cover my shift (which I would ask him days even weeks in advance) he would pull I have a baby card.

Christmas season comes and I ask him if I can take 31st of December morning shift so I can spend new years evening with my boyfriend, go somewhere, celebrate etc. He got almost mad because I asked. His words were "no, no, I have a baby, it's his first new years eve, I have to spend it with him and wife." Fine, whatever. And then night of 30th comes, I was awake at 2 am, gaming or watching Netflix. I felt my phone vibrate and look who it is, my co-worker who is wasted somewhere and needs his morning shift covered... I put my phone on do not disturb and in my drawer. I didn't answer.

Next morning I had 50 missed calls from him, few from other coworker and 10ish from my boss. He didn't show up for work. He got fired that day. Work environment became so much healthier.

#24

It was during one of the many times my brother was annoying the s**t out of me. He would often bother me until I was literally crying and begging him to stop by walking into my room and screaming, slamming my door or just putting his trash in my room to pick up.

It would go from just getting annoyed and telling him to get out because I was busy or trying to relax to getting worn out by his nonsense to literally having a breakdown because it just won't f*****g end and my mom wouldn't do s**t about it.

Well, one day I was in the middle of another mental breakdown where I was literally just crying curled up in a ball trying to calm down after he threw something at me, and I guess he didn't hear it but my dad was coming up the stairs as he was about to go back to my room and continue with his daily tormenting.

I heard my dad coming up the stairs and just stayed quiet and tried to calm down as my brother started to scream again, laughing his annoying a*s off after a few moments when I just covered my ears.
After he finished screaming, my dad pulled him out of my room and grounded him right then and there, gave him a stern talking to, then made him go downstairs and do a bunch of chores while he calmed me down.

That was one of the first time he was caught and stopped since my dad was always at work and my mom didn't give a f**k and my dad took it VERY seriously to the point where every time he caught him doing that again he would ground him for weeks at a time, and the stuff he got grounded from was pretty damn creative.

#25

I was prosecuting in the local magistrates court in the UK. The defendant had paid for some fancy smancy lawyer from London to come up to defend. The chair of the magistrates, who were all lay people, was a frail-looking senior lady and he tried to snowball her. He came perilously close to calling her "dear" while talking down to her.

What we locals knew was that she was a terrifying harridan with a mind like a steel trap and a tongue like a razor and she ate him alive. She tore apart his arguements, lambasted him for bringing complex legal arguements to court without prior warning the clerk and picked apart his understanding of the rules of evidence. Never saw him again.

#26

Not an enemy but in retrospect should have been.

I work as a teacher and we had an ex-manager guy who decided to get into teaching late. He had lots of pretty horrible habits (eating other people's lunches, perving on the female teachers, squeezing people's shoulders painfully hard as a 'matey' gesture) but the habit that this story is about, is how he tried to use weaponised incompetence to get people to do his tasks for him. None of it was really important. He just seemed to enjoy talking people into doing things for him.

So he comes up to me one day with a USB data stick in his hand. Apparently it has a copy of a previous year's exam that it was his responsibility to update and edit. He'd taken the file home and his daughter had done the update (really dude? Roping family into doing your paid government job for you?).

He wanted me to copy the file from the USB back into the server, replacing the original file he'd copied. It was literally click and drag between the USB and the file server. I flat out refused and said it was part of his responsibility and I was too busy with my own tasks.

He proceeds to loudly and publicly proclaim to the entire staffroom that I didn't understand how difficult it was for people of his generation to learn computer technology and that I really needed to help him out. That he was currently doing a computer course but this (dragging a file between two folders) was too difficult for him to sort out.

I let him go on for about a good 5 minutes about how horrible I was for not helping the poor helpless old man out, until I just as loudly asked him "How the hell did you get the original file from the server onto the USB in the first place?"

You could have heard a pin drop in that staffroom. He walked off and copied his own goddamned file.

#27

So when my ex moved out, they loaded all her stuff in the front of a trailer to move to California. The truck was too long to tow another trailer with her new penis's Ford Mustang, so they loaded it on the back of the trailer and strapped it down. I looked at that in the back of the trailer and thought to myself, "they aren't that dumb, are they?" But that's on them.
I heard later that as they were driving through Arizona, a guy in oncoming traffic pulled out and around so they had to slam on the brakes. The Mustang plowed through all her belongings and blew out the front of the trailer, wedging up against the tractor.
Spent most of what they had saved up for a down payment on a house on the ordeal since they were too cheap to get extra insurance.

Image credits: K1rkl4nd

#28

Local electoral district association meeting - was expected to be a largely pro-forma re-nomination of the previous candidate (my boss), when a former candidate decides to throw his hat in the ring.

Starts giving this long diatribe about how much support he has locally (he lost his prior race by 3x the margin we lost by), and starts rambling. You know when someone starts talking faster instead of making a point? It was that.

Boss texts me to say “you can feel free to interrupt and move for a vote.” I reply “one sec, I have a feeling he’s gonna say something stupid.”

Right as he lets slip a racial slur against my boss… (For context: boss was Indian, prev. candidate was Chinese. Both second-generation. District didn’t lean heavily in either direction.)

Needless to say, once he realized what had happened, he made the smart choice and withdrew.

#29

Late night drive home. Some dude riding my a$$. I drive the speed limit, sorry. I stop at the stoplight. I see a cop car at the intersection, coming from the right. Dude doesn’t see cop car, swerved around me on the left, into the oncoming traffic lane, then goes left while it’s still a red light. Cop car flashes his sirens and he is pulled over immediately. Good times.

#30

When I worked in pediatrics in the navy and none of the parents liked me to the point that some started writing ICE complaints to the CO.

The department was told to drop me at the insurance department since there was no actual evidence and my clinic vouched hard for me to stay. Until new leadership came in and said "it's one guy making us look bad, byebye"

I was on leave at the time of the decision, when I came back I was just moved instantly.

I was told to write a statement on what I actually do for the clinic. I did, they looked at it and laughed saying "EVERYONE does this! You're not special bud"

A month after I had left they actually had to shut down the clinic to retrain everyone because I was their work horse. For the remainder of my time there, they would occasionally swing by and ask my new leadership to give me back.

#31

In a meeting with my project manager who has not been in the office or worked a proper full day for MONTHS. she has increasingly been annoyed by people bypassing her to get things done by telling me and her other direct reports what to do. I was about to answer a question for stakeholders, she told me to let her speak one sentence and will let me have my bit. I did as I was told, and she told the stakeholder a completely wrong thing about the system we were handling and made a complete fool out of herself.

She got sacked this month.

#32

I'm working on a job site and the architect is there one day. I've been given some light fixtures for the sconces in a leasing office lobby. The fixtures are meant to be hung from a ceiling, they can't be installed on a wall. I attempt to convey this to the architect, but he brushes me off and just tells me to follow the prints. I turn to the apprentice and say, well you heard the man, put them up. A bit later, we hear the crashing of glass. The architect asks what was that? I said, your light fixture. As I picked up a broom and dustpan to go clean up.

Edit: told the apprentice to clean it up, of course.

Image credits: Ohhhhhhthehumanity

#33

Was in a cooking class at high school, we got put into groups. My enemy/bully, was in our group, we were making chocolate eclairs. I had made them heaps at home so knew how to donut, but nobody else had. I had barely even spoke when the girl piped up and said she knew what they were doing and pretty much told me to fk off. So I walked out and sat outside for the majority of the class. When it came near the end I went back inside, and sure enough my group had failed. They didn't read the recipe and just mixed everything together and then tried to bake it and wondered why it didn't work. They had mixed the chocolate sauce ingredients into the choux pastry mix. I just was like, told you so

#34

Last week one of my supervisors(military) was going off on a rant comparing the pride flag to the N*zi flag and saying it was just a sex symbol. My adoptive mom is gay sooooo I just kept my mouth shut and reported him to equal opportunity and my lesbian supervisor.

He’s freaking the f**k out

#35

I worked at a large vape juice manufacturer printing labels for the bottles.

We had a particular production manager who thought she was my boss (she wasn't. We were on the same level of the hierarchy) and thought her stuff was a priority to me. She could not understand that we had a whole process and knew exactly what needed to be printed in what order to fulfill all of our orders. Our boss told me to just do my best to work with her and get her what she requested so she'd shut up.

She decided one day to order 150k of each label for two particular lines we had so she would never have to wait for labels again. The whole company knew that regulations were changing and requirements on labels were changing.

I tried to explain this to her and that I didn't think this was a good plan. She insisted repeatedly. I finally said f**k it and started doing it while having my team do their best to keep up with our actual priorities. Stayed late, got lots of overtime. When our boss finally clued in to the order I was 300k labels into 600k of the first line.

When asked I told him that he had told me to do what it takes to make her stop b**ching and that's what I was doing. He put an instant stop to it. She got written up and those labels were still on a shelf in the corner 3 years later when we shut down.

#36

Had gotten into an arguement with a girl who my bf at the time cheated on me with… she was telling one of her group chats (in detail) about the hook up….. guess who was in the group chat……me.

#37

Back when I was at university, our final year was a big multi-discliplinary group project where students from different courses formed teams to build games over the course of the year.

I joined a team where I had basically two roles, because my degree was split in focus (somewhat stupidly, it was a mistake to sign up for it, but oh well). Another guy on our team had the same, so between us we were supposed to be doing the work of two, just split into two areas.

He did nothing. I took one half of his work, someone else took the other half. What work he did was sh*t quality and unusable and had to be redone. It was a mess. We tried talking to him about it repeatedly, but to no avail, he just didn't put in the work. The warning sign was probably that this was his 5th year of a 3 year degree, the dude took two attempts at every year.

Part of our submission was a massive report where we were each supposed to break down what we did on the project, how, and why. We left his section as basically a single sentence stating "[Name] contributed to the project".

That was more than he deserved, but at the same time it essentially called out explicitly that he did almost no work, including on the shared document. We didn't tell him that section was there, but we were all in that same doc writing, and we were all expected to contribute. He would've seen it if he'd opened it to write anything during the entire process.

He flipped out when he found out after submission. He did not graduate. I do not feel sorry for him.

#38

Preface: I have always done my paperwork in blue Pilot G2 pen (not shilling. It’s a very distinct color and hard to cover). Also, this will be a small novel.

At one of my previous jobs I had just gotten my machine making product ready for packing. The only problem was the outer lip diameter was *just* too big (think 0.01 of an inch off). Nothing I did could get the diameter down. It was just too hot for the plastic to be formed smaller without cooling the die further, which was not then possible Quality and my supervisor quibbled about it for awhile. It was decided, and hoped, the product would further shrink in storage as it continued to cool and set. So quality tech signed off approving the variance.

Several months down the line a couple customers complain lids aren’t fitting right sometimes (later found out only with hot foods or in hot environments). I get called in to the front office for a final warning, a big quality alert (they ended up refunding *anyone* who bought product made by me), and a copy of the quality paperwork. Quality tech is saying she never approved me running that product with the quality variance and has a copy of my paperwork “proving” it.

I waited until everyone spoken their piece, pulled out my pen, flipped the write up over and wrote “I refuse to sign this write up because I do not deserve it”. I then told them to go pull every quality sheet, every training signoff, and even my job application and job offer and notice I write in blue ink. The quality sheet in front of me is a photocopy because all my writing is in black, not blue.

Plant manager threw the write up into the shredder and told me to go home for the day (I had already worked a 12 hour shift before this) and forget about this happening. He did *not* look amused.

There was a new quality tech the next night I went in.

TLDR: if you work in any field that requires regular paperwork, use a blue pen.

#39

I’m a trial attorney. A prosecutor many years ago. Kidnapping case. Defense attorney put MY main detective on the stand. I was able to lead and cross-examine my whole case out of the Detective a second time. IYKYK

#40

When my mom was pregnant with my little brother, she went shopping and a woman drove into her car during parking. My mother called the police to make a report which the woman didn't like but begrudgingly obliged. Once the police was there the woman started telling lies, saying my mom was the one who hit her car. In the meantime both my stepdad as well as her husband arrived. The woman then insulted my mom in Polish, telling her she is a terrible mother and hopes she loses her baby etc etc. This went on for a while until my stepdad revealed that he also spoke Polish. Idk if this ended up in the report for the police or not. Was absolutely terrifying for me mom though.

#41

A colleague bullied me and another colleague in the most blatant chauvinistic way while being super unprofessional and making loads of mistakes. I live in Sweden and sexual harassment and bullying is a sure way to get fired. He was from another " culture" and thought he'd get away with it. I basically just sat back and watched him hang himself with the rope he was given. He was so confused when he got fired. We were invited to the meeting when he was given the axe. It was glorious.

#42

We were building a house last year. I’ll be the first to say I’m not the easiest client, I’ve managed general construction/fabrication my entire professional career.

So our upgrade list was extensive, I want what I want and will gladly pay for it. Problem is their team had no idea what to do with someone like me for change orders and a sign off procedure.

I draft a 7 page excel document of all non standard changes, put sources, cad drawings. Specs etc they just have to fill in the price date and sign off.

Well instead of doing that they want to use their templates, one for design sign off, one for financial, put together by two different people…

Design was right, finance wasn’t but we never corrected them. We got 30k of upgrades outta the builder on that one.

TL;DR spec custom house, their team doesn’t like my paperwork uses theirs, they lose 30k in upgrades cause they missed it

#43

Horrible neighbor selling a car when I needed one. She asked for $1000. I offered $750. She said "let's just split the difference, pay me $500."

Alrighty then.

She never figured out what she had done.

#44

It's so dumb but so fun.

Years ago I worked in a cube farm office job and I hated my desk arrangement. It was right in a high traffic pathway, with my back to everyone, screen facing out so anyone could just sneak up behind me lurking, peer over my shoulder while I worked, etc... which really just bothers me. I was the first person in my department anyone would encounter, and I was also very good at what I did, so people would just see me first and interrupt me constantly all day.

Well, the office got reconfigured, and me and a bunch of other people in that area worked in a big conference room for a couple days during the shuffle. The guy moving around all the cubicle panels was a good friend, so I told him to ping me the minute a back wall desk was finished so I could move my stuff there. He did, and I did. This other guy I was friends with saw what I was doing and followed me, so we claimed the back two wall desks across from each other.

There was a super obnoxious senior developer who figured out way too late what was going on, and got very pissed. Apparently there was some old seating chart (which no one had followed at all as they re-did the cubes section by section), and it had him on a back wall. So he grabbed his old seating chart printout and marched into the Senior VP's office right then and there to complain. I heard him ranting and raving about the chart this and the chart that. He needed to sit in the back to concentrate, blah blah blah.

I just let him monologue for a minute or two because for some reason, he was exceptionally frantic about it. At the absolute perfect time, I got up to go to the break room, and as I walked by I poked my head in the office chuckling innocently and said "C'mon man, is too busy for this silly stuff. I'll move my desk, who cares where we sit?"

It was like a five-second TKO. He immediately started stammering about how much he didn't care and how he insisted I just keep my stuff there, so I feigned indifference and said OK, no problem. It was one of my greatest moments in petty office politics.

#45

was in an accident driving through Kentucky and the lady was just… obnoxious.

She asked if I was staying in a hotel, I said yes. She asked if I was worried about them giving my room away, I said no… and she grinned triumphantly and said “so you have a credit card”.

No visible damage, but she insists on calling the police.

The officer arrived and she ran up and gave him a hug.

I asked how he knew her and he grimaced and said “she’s my aunt”.

I asked for another officer and he said “nobody’s getting a ticket and the report will say no visible damage. I’ll give you a copy before you leave. If you want to talk to my boss, you can - but the thing you’re worried about… you’re not the one who should be worried”.

I did speak to his boss later, who said “if she files against your insurance, send them to me.”

A few weeks later I get a call from my insurance company and I start panicking and start explaining that the other driver was related to the officer. The insurance rep explained “the officer included all three conflicting stories she told him. We just want to ask for your description of the accident and your permission to file a complaint on your behalf”.

I don’t know what happened, but I think back to that stupid grin, and I feel… contentment.

#46

I was working as a cub reporter in a small town and had done a piece on stray dog menace in some area (plenty of dogs had attacked kids in a short while). The dog lovers of the town took that piece as a 'I hate all dogs' article. They shared it in their WhatsApp group and started talking trash about me. What they did not know was that the admin of the group ran a dog shelter and a few months back, I had done a piece on the shelter, so I was in the group too. At one point, they began scheming that they'd cook up stories about me lying in the story and complain to the publication. Mind you, these are 'upstanding' citizens - doctors, lawyers, senior executives. So their word had weight against a rookie reporter. I just showed the chat to the editor. He had a good laugh about it. Never knew what happened after that but hours later, they stopped b**ching about me. The admin of the group apologised to me separately (he didnt need to) but never did tell them that I was a part of it

#47

Decades ago, worked for a small, luxury furniture store. Part of it was managing the paperwork, part of it was programming the software. I wanted a raise, so I asked the new office manager for one.

He was a real piece of work. Roundly despised (and later fired for sexual harassment). He explained to me that I deserved a raise, but because we had so many outstanding accounts receivable (AR—unpaid bills), he couldn't afford it.

"So if I can get AR down there's money to pay me?"

He agreed ... but I had to get it down to zero and I had three months. S**t.

So I became a debt collector. This was a _luxury_ furniture store, so our clients had money. It turns out that the reason so many had outstanding bills is that no one was willing to ask the rich people for money. I did and they paid.

However, not all did. I was given permission to contract with a debt collection service. Any debts passed to them were no longer reflected on AR. That cleared quite a few debts.

A few others were written off when they threatened to sue over old bill (those went straight to the owner and he didn't want bad publicity).

At the end of three months, I had a meeting with the office manager. He was looking over the accounts receivable and told me he was very impressed.

I knew what was coming, so I let him ramble on.

I had pulled in a ton of money for the company. He was happy about that. He'd love for me to permanently add collections to my responsibilities. I was doing great work.

"But there's just one problem, OvidPerl. AR isn't at zero. There's still thousands outstanding. I can't give you that raise."

I pointed to the accounts still outstanding. "If you check the unpaid accounts, you'll see that almost all of them are members of the owner's family. I can send them to collections if you like. That will actually reduce our AR below zero."

He was pissed and quickly told me to forget about it. I got the raise.

#48

In high school this group of girls who started this huge beef against me over nothing. They posted about it on their Snapchat, phoned me up, texted me. So by copying that stuff for once I had hard evidence against them when I brought it to the school. They regretted that ?

#49

I went to work on a large government installation in a remote area. A woman I had never met filed a sexual harassment complaint against me. The fictitious event took place a year before I showed up there and I had been 1200 miles (1931km) away.

#50

When I practiced family law I saw this often on the stand. Turns out if your opponent is crazy most of the time all you need to do to reveal that is give them a microphone and mildly question their story.

The best, however, was in Motion to Withdraw hearings. For context, I hated these hearings. I dreaded them. I already felt like a failure for having to withdraw from a case (95% of the time because the client couldn’t/wouldn’t pay me, but sometimes because they turned out to be uncooperative and/or combative with me). They were not difficult to win, however. Inevitably if I simply asked the (ex-)client when and how they intended to right their retainer they’d start listing off excuses about how they don’t and never will have the money to do so. It’s heartbreaking, but it also proves my point.

The clients who were uncooperative, however, were the best. I’d read off a list of times they cursed me out, ignored my advice, and threatened me and my staff, then just wait. You could watch their blood boil on the stand, followed by completely unhinged justification as to why no lawyer could reasonably work with this person.

“Mr. Jones, can you explain why you threatened to ‘shove a phone up my paralegal’s a*s’ if she called you again?”

“She calls me every f*****g week with another f*****g thing that I have to do! You’re supposed to be handling my case! It’s why I hired you! I don’t have time to be searching through my emails and getting bank records and bringing you papers every damn day! And every time my retainer is empty for like a day she calls to remind me to refill it! I’ve got other things to pay for, like the damned child support you put on me when I left! How rude can you be, right? Right? I swear if I have to hear her damned voice one more f*****g time I’m going to drive over there and slap the s**t out of her!”

“Your honor, I rest my case.”

#51

I was an attorney.

Other side sues my client alleging he missed work for FMLA protected reasons, and his termination was wrongful.

I look up plaintiff in public records database, and see that he had court dates on all of the days he missed work.

Instead of immediately confronting plaintiff to give him time to change his story, I depose plaintiff and have him walk me through every minute of every day he missed work. He leaves out the court part.

A month after the deposition (after the time passes when the deposition can be corrected) I send plaintiff’s lawyer printouts of the court records with the relevant dates highlighted, along with a paperwork to voluntarily dismiss the case and a letter stating that any further action in the case will result in a motion against him for bad faith litigation.

Don’t hear a peep from the lawyer, but get the dismissal order from the judge a week later.

#52

When I was a teenager a cousin of mine (Jenny) had a fight with her mom (Jackie). The fight was so intense that Jackie BEAT Jenny severely, so she called mom and dad asking for help and asked to live here for a while. At the time that sounded horrifying, but we quickly learned that Jenny was full of f*****g s**t. Jenny was a drama queen, loved to stir up trouble, lied constantly about basically everything and Jackie never laid a hand on her. We had heard rumors but dismissed them and believed her ... Until one incident.

Mom always kept a few frozen pies in the freezer, just in case company came over... Jenny took a pie from the freezer one day, ate the entire damn thing and when Mom came home, she got angry because those pies were for company. She asked Jenny who ate the pie and she said I did. She yells for me, I come into the kitchen, she asks if I ate the pie, I said no, and get yelled at for eating the pie.

Jenny then proceeds to launch into telling this overly elaborate tale about how I took the pie and ate it *just* to get her in trouble. She went on for like 3 minutes and mom just kept getting angrier and angrier at me, while I couldn't help grin like a madman. 3 minutes later she finishes her story and I point something out.

It was a coconut cream pie she ate. I ***DESPISE*** coconut. I hate it and will never eat it. Mom KNEW this and the realization hits her, Jenny gets a look of horror in her face.

She got grounded for a month. The look of both of them is seared in my mind. Makes me smile when I think of it.

The funny thing is, she tried it again 2 months later, this time eating a chocolate cream pie, but mom didn't believe her.

#53

Everybody was complaining about the sous chef. He was a mess and made everything harder. He did like 50% of his responsibilities and had been complaining that he wasn't getting enough support. I was passionately spearheading the mission to get him fired but he did not know this about me. He confided in me that he was going to "tell on" his supervisor, someone who works so hard, so much, and is a genuinely beloved boss. Knowing that almost everyone in the building was over him and that he was about to go blame it on someone everybody loves was so exciting...he was fired a few days after he told me his plan. *chef's kiss*

#54

While I was doing squad leader training after basic, we were doing live fire exercises with machine guns (the MG 240 specifically). We took turns being squad leaders, while the others stood in as grunts.

It was basically form up, go up a hill, get into position, give orders, shoot targets and retreat back to the staging area. Pretty basic stuff.

One stipulation was that everyone was to bring their rifles at all times since the MG might jam or whatever.

When it was my turn to be squad leader I reminded everyone to bring their rifles, but of course the two most gung ho Rambo types refused citing it unnecessary. I was about to start chewing them out, but I noticed that the guy reloading the ammo belts was doing it wrong. You have to really try, but you can insert the cartridge backwards. I also noticed one of the officers who was overseeing the exercise eavesdropping from behind a tree.

So I let them go without their rifles. The MG of course wouldn’t fire when they got to the firing line, so all they could do was just lay there.

I was chewed out for letting them get away with not bringing their rifles (which I knew would happen), but the verbal a*s whooping the other guys got was of epic proportions.

Both of them actually turned out alright in the end, maybe this was a bit of a teaching moment.

#55

I worked in a country-wide company and needed something done by a peer in another office. She was very uncooperative and was arguing with me that she should not do what I was asking because it was not the correct procedure.

It was, in fact, the correct procedure as per my boss (who was her boss' boss), but before I could tell her where I had gotten my instructions, she took it upon herself to send me a very condescending email, CCing her boss and mine. She was clearly trying to put me on the spot for being wrong.

I just waited until both her boss and mine told her that I was right, and I was just sitting there thinking "why are you makinfgthis so hard on yourself girl" ?

#56

I once worked for a project in a call center and we constantly had QA on our as*es about call quality. They would review every call and send the report to you and your supervisor who would sign off on it then send it back to QA. If you got two reports under 90%, there'd be a warning and you'd be fired after four. Now, this was all done via email so I'd save all my reports just in case. My first couple weeks, I got dinged with a warning but everything after that I maintained at least 95% or above according to the reports I was getting.

One week I noticed a few agents were getting let go, agents I always thought were good. At the time, the project was looking for supervisors and these were the guys you would want. I found out they had all been hit with bad reports which led to the firings. Then one day HR calls me and let's me know I'm fired for several reports saying I scored insanely low scores. Just one problem, I had the reports saying those were all over 90% and I told HR I had them. The HR rep asks me to forward all of them to review and I do so.

A couple hours later I get another call from HR saying I'm being reassigned to another project with better pay. Turned out the QA was fudging the reports AFTER the supervisors signed off on select agents because they had certain agents they were friends with and wanted them to get the management positions. Even worse, everyone in management knew and didn't care. The project got shut down and the fired agents were all brought back and placed in better paying projects like I was.

#57

Not really an enemy, but just not correcting/interrupting something.

I resigned from a job where contractually you had to give 3 months notice. What most people would do is basically go on gardening leave soon after their resignation after they've done all their handover stuff, i.e basically sit at home or go travelling for like 2 months while you're getting a full salary.

The thing with gardening leave however is that you're not supposed to start your new job while you're on it. My situation was that I needed to take off and leave in about 2 months after my resignation, and that's what I told my boss/HR, i.e here is the date 2 months from now after which I no longer wish to be employed here because I was moving to a new country. Thought that was it.

Anyway the confirmation of my resignation came in from HR. They had set my final day in the office to exactly what I had asked for, but then put me on gardening leave for a month after that. And I sort of...didn't bother to correct them on that last point.

#58

I just had this happen.

A contractor on a project I'm working on was doing a really poor job installing equipment. I found their foreman, attempted to show him what he was doing wrong and what needed to be done to fix it. Some of it was so bad I was worried about it failing completely.

He wanted nothing to do with me, then said the words that did it for me....."I've been doing this for 10 years and have installed 12 of these. I don't need your help. We'll take care of it." (I've been doing this for almost 19 years and making sure it's done correctly is actually my full time job)

Ok. Good talk.

A few days later I was onsite and saw that he kept doing it his way and hadn't fixed anything, and had installed more of it poorly. I called a meeting and voiced my concerns and a stop work order was issued until the corrections were made. His bosses realized his attitude cost them thousands and he was off the job the next day.

#59

Worked in sales.
Had a coworker who was very loud, very dramatic, throwing literal screaming tantrums in the office each day (a 50+ year old woman btw). Management were doing nothing about it and let it slide every time. Everyone else was obviously very uncomfortable around this person because the smallest thing set them off.
One time the ceo popped into the room, and at the same time i had a phone call come in from someone that coworker had spoken to earlier, and they wanted to lock in the sale. Long story short, i very very discreetly stole the sale, which set off coworker while ceo was in the room. Coworker had a meeting the next day and were gone shortly after. Not sure if they were let go or encouraged to leave quietly but they went quick.

#60

At my current job, part of my duties is to do trailer audits (make sure people are unloading/loading safely) and I was training a new member for the position to do the job.

After a few weeks, it turns out that the other person wasn't doing ANY aspects of the job, instead they were just mingling like it was a cocktail party. When asked why they weren't doing anything, they say it was because they were never trained.

Well, turns out that due to past complaints about this particular person management put them on a PIP, that if they got any type of training they were to have a piece of paper documenting what kind of training it was, who trained them and management sign off, with all party's signatures. When they pulled the file that said they were indeed trained in all duties of the job, they just sat there silent and was fired.

They were fired because they pulled the same stunt in every department of the building, and mine was their last chance.

#61

My wife was a school teacher with 20 years under her belt. She was paired with a "co-teacher" for (what we used to call) the special-ed students.

Wife and co-teacher did not get along. It got to the point where wife and co-teacher (and their respective bosses) were sent to mandated mediation.

Near the end of the mediation session, co-teacher asks the mediator "So what's the next step if this doesn't work?"

Turns out, the next step is "The one without tenure gets let go."

#62

My boss assigned me a task on Thursday to be completed by Monday morning after I notified him I would be out the next day for a family emergency. On top of that the task would take 4 days to complete which means I would need to work all weekend.

When talking to HR, she told me that the manager would file an insubordination complaint if I refuse the task.

I said, “Good luck getting that past the executives.”

She smiled and said, “True…”

#63

10 years ago I had a coworker everyone found pretty annoying. She was an idiot who thought she knew better than everyone else, and would get offended at every opportunity. She took something I said the wrong way one day and got really upset, and I just, didn’t say anything. I would not indulge her insanity. So she quit. Grabbed her stuff and walked out on a job she’d had for years. No one spoke a word to stop her.

#64

In court, my ex wife was challenging the judge by reading laws written on pieces of paper torn out of the back of books from the jail library. She was there on kidnapping charges. My lawyer, one of the most stoic men I have ever met, was struggling not to laugh. He held up a manilla folder to cover his face, and then looked over at me and silently shook his head. I put on my best poker face as this farce went on for several minutes.

The judge had enough, stood up, rested her hands on her desk and leaned over. She then told my ex to sit down and shut up, that she had been a lawyer for 20 years and a judge for ten, and she didn’t need the laws explained to her. I was given full custody immediately.

Core memory unlocked.

#65

My ex boss was a complete douche in every aspect. We worked as surveyors using drones to scan and survey large areas, and he would go out of his way to get the cheapest and least reliable drones to do the job.

One of those drones was this god-awful fixed wing (shaped like a plane with only one propeller) that you launched using this s**t slingshot system that had a 50% chance of just launching the thing nose-down into the ground.

I told him this things a piece of s**t, I even recorded my launches with it so he could see this thing was a piece of s**t, but he insisted I was just a "s**t pilot who couldn't take off a DJI to save my life". After three crashes, two rolls of duct tape and a few arguments, he decides to come with to the next big job we have and just do it himself.

Now the turnover times for these jobs were insane. The man had zero concept for how long s**t takes, so he'd promise the clients the data the very next day. Which meant that EVERYTHING would have to go perfectly the day of the flight, with zero delays, so I could process the data overnight and have it ready for them the next day. No room for errors, no second chances, every morning it was make or break.

So we get to the site in the early morning, and I'm completely hands-off. Normally I'd pack a second drone for when this one inevitably kamikazes into the earth, but this time, I decide he needs a slice of humble pie. I watch as he sets up the drone, runs through the checks, loads it onto that god-awful f*****g slingshot and gets ready to pull the trigger. I take a few steps back, take out my phone to record, and watch the fireworks.

He pulled the lever and the bungee cord released. It whipped the drone ten feet into the air at Mach 2, before the thing nose dived right into the ground breaking off one of the wings. After about 2 seconds of teetering on the ground, the drones autopilot thought to itself "Hey, that was a launch, wasn't it?" And automatically kicked the propeller into high gear, shattering it against the cold, unforgiving ground.

He just watched the whole thing happen with a dead look in his eyes. Once the drone settled down and the death throes stopped, he picked up the drone, walked back to us, and said "well, s**t". The 4 hour drive back to the office was completely silent, and our boss had to call the client and explain why we wouldn't be delivering the data to them on time. We had another job we had to do the next day, so they'd only have it next week. I could hear the client screaming to him over the phone from the next room.

Needless to say, we never used that drone again. He never stopped buying s**t drones, but when I told him they were s**t, he believed me.

#66

Roommate's ex abandons their vehicle in front of my house.

I tell them to please move it or I will have it towed.

Vehicle suddenly has two flat tires.

Ex files police report claiming my roommate and I had slashed their tires.

Waited until ex made their statement to the police about how we had slashed their tires and that is why they couldn't move his vehicle and filed a claim against us in small claims court.

Provided police and the court copies of my and our neighbors door cam footage showing the ex arriving in the middle of the night to slash their own tires.

cherry on top: Ex shows up in court wearing the same shirt as in the videos.

EDIT: Wow this blew up.

Roommate and ex had only been dating a few months. Ex turned out to be a grifter and was dating several people at the same time and using each of them for food, shelter, money, etc. I got involved when my roommate was out of town and the soon-to-be-ex just sauntered in (apparently they had learned the code to the garage door), made themselves a sandwich, showered, slept, etc. I thought my roommate had come home early but when I texted them they were still out of state. The ex left to go out and I changed the garage code.

The vehicle wouldn't start so they just left it there thinking it would be okay. Roommate and a few of the other people the ex was dating find out about each other and they all dump them at once. I ask the ex to please move their car or I will have it towed. I give them two weeks.

Later on I learned that the ex was having a mental breakdown and they made some very poor decisions at that point. They broke into some of the other people's houses when they weren't home to do laundry, eat, sleep, and did some other things that got them in trouble with the law but are irrelevant to this story.

The ex had no proof that anyone had slashed their tires. The cops just came to the door of me and our neighbors to see if there was any footage - there was and they closed the case, I guess, they never talked to me again about it.

The court case was small claims court. The plaintiff has to pay a fee, file a form, have a summons issued to the defendant and then you both show up in court with your evidence. The ex had no evidence other than a long list of real and perceived grievances with my roommate but no actual proof so the judge dismissed the case. I never got to show the video evidence to the judge but I did share it with the clerk on their lunch break and they were the one who pointed out that the ex was wearing the same shirt.

Image credits: joosier

#67

I have to keep this a little vague.

I'm in jury trial. It's an assault case. My client is pleading self defense. Nobody died but somebody got whupped. I can't get a bunch of the s**t I want into evidence. No choice but to put client on the stand.

I know this is high risk/high reward. I've prepped client. We go for it.

I get basics out and let the prosecutor go at him. PA got in there and HARANGUED him, mostly about not calling the cops.

PA then does rebuttal. Puts cop on the stand to explain how much they don't like him, don't trust him, wouldn't put anything past him or turn their back on him, etc. Reputation evidence, in essence. I let it go past what I could object to. I was sitting there like "oh this is too much but go off officer." It's a small community, they know each other.

Basically wrote my closing for me. "Why didn't he go to the police? The police told you why he didn't go to the police."

#68

Back when speed camera vans were common on the area and was living in at the time I was running some errands one time and noticed the van on the side of a fairly busy road, situated on a bend so if you were northbound you likely wouldn’t notice it until you were in a curve. I had a bit of back-and-forth running around that I had to do and noticed it was still there an hour or so later when I passed it in the opposite direction.

Later in the day I was still taking care of things and was headed north again on the same road. There was a real aggressive ahole in traffic this time, speeding when he could, weaving in the lanes to try to get ahead even though it was now rush hour and no real progress would be made, gunning his engine, etc. and I could see after a couple stoplights that this guy was peeved at the audacity all these other people had at having to be on the road the same time as him.

He wound up at a stoplight next to me and one car behind, following someone that didn’t pull away at the green quite as fast as I did so he cut somebody off to get over to my lane. Now he’s tailgating me on the northbound stretch and I wondered if the speed trap was still set up.

Because I’d gone a little quicker than the guy next to me, a gap started to open in the left lane but he’s still on my a*s because it hadn’t yet widened out to full car length. So as we started nearing the curve where I had seen the trap earlier, I speed up a little to increase the gap, then took my foot off the gas going into the turn. Mr. Aggro Driver did what I predicted he would and punched it to overtake me on the outside right as the camera van became visible.

The pop of the flash when he passed the van did put a grin on my face.

#69

A former coworker decided to blast profanity at me for having used a company truck typically assigned to him from the night prior. His biggest problem was that I destroyed the seat with my big fat a*s. I calmed down as much as I could and called my supervisor who rushed over and sat us both the company office. With the exception of a few head nods and "yes" answers, I let my coworker dig himself deeper and deeper. He was a very loud and bombastic character so it was easy. Supervisor advised him to collect his personal belongings and take a few days off to cool down. He was then fired after 3 days rest. As for the truck seat, I forgot to reset the lumbar support on the seat.

#70

I’m a detective. I know they’re not enemies, but I was interviewing a person who had kicked their partner down the stairs and as a result gave them two spinal fractures.

I had a written statement from the suspects son saying they were on the stairs but didn’t kick anyone. The suspect made up the most b******t lie about not even being there and he had no idea why had happened. I let them speak and speak and speak before presenting them with all the evidence I had for them being a liar. Job done, one of my favourite interviews from my whole career.

#71

We were doing a Power Point presentation on Niels Bohr (the guy who found atoms had energy), for chemistry class.

Anyways, I made sure to gather information for half of the presentation, while a friend gathered the other half. Anyways, Emily (not real name) decided she wanted nothing more to do the presentation, which was just putting pictures and bullet points (friend and my told her which ones to put and were), and nothing else. Of course Emily waited until Sunday at 23:59 (we had chemistry on Monday at 08:00) to finish the presentation, and decided she wanted to present what I was doing, and because she did the presentation, she gets to choose what to do and not, leaving me to do only one slide, which was “his life”.

Petty guy that I am, I just summed up everything Bohr did on his life, including explaining the energy stuff (mind you, I knew, and understood the subject better than Emily). Emily’s got her turn, and screwed up to the point I had to intervene, and explain it by myself. When we were all finished, the teacher asked us about who did what, and I kindly explained what happened. I got an A, b***h Emily a C

Also Emily stated a rumor that I had gay sex with my best friend, f**k Emily

#72

Coworker messed up and rolled one of our ATV’s we use for work. Nice enough guy, but not a good worker and very immature. He got called out for riding it too hard all the time. Meeting was had, we were told “not to lift a tire off the ground when turning”
Anyone that has ridden an ATV knows that sometimes, even at low speeds, the rear tire will lift. My boss was exaggerating for some of the dumber ones in the room. Later on, coworker 2 turns around next to me on the ATV (at a reasonable speed) and the tire lifts a bit. Other coworker sees this and snitches on the radio, just to try to get someone else in trouble besides himself. I offhandedly called him a snitch (off radio a few minutes later when I was near him)
He then gets on the radio to our and throws a fit about what i said and has a meltdown. We all get called into the office, but beforehand, coworker 2 and i agreed to just be chill, apologize, and let coworker 1 talk his way into getting fired. Boss understood what happened from the start, and as coworker 1 got worked up about the situation all over again, my boss told the kid if he left the room mid conversation, he was fired. Which he promptly did.

#73

When I was a Seaman, my knuckle dragger BM3 would try to get me in trouble for every little thing, and I think I neglected to interrupt him several times. One times he was CONVINCED he had caught me falsifying a weather report, because I had put all zeroes for everything.

"What's the problem? Everything was zeroes. There were no clouds and no windspeed."

He told me knows I was lying, because the WeatherPac shows 360 for dead north, not 000 like I wrote, and figured I hadn't actually done the rounds. I double checked the instrument, and it turns out it reads 360 when the wind is actually blowing that way. When there is no wind, it reads 000 for the direction, kind of like saying N/A. I decided not to bother explaining that to him. I don't know if he ever took his accusations up the chain of command or not, because I never heard back on that issue.

#74

I’m an attorney, and a number of years ago I had to argue a bitterly contested issue for a client against another attorney who was a complete jackass. He went first, and I followed for just a few minutes because I could tell he was about to go off the rails in his response. Which he did. He started throwing out every legal, and legal-sounding, argument, and the judge was clearly getting pissed and told him to stop a few times. Even though he was straight-up lying about my client, I decided it was best if I just turned and walked away from the podium we were standing at and let him keep going. By the end, I was towards the back of the courtroom.

After another minute of this nonsense, the bailiff actually had to come up and put his hand on the back of the attorney and tell him to stop. Still the only time I’ve ever seen that happen.

#75

Two good ones:

When we bought our house, we offered less than the asking price. The owner countered with halfway between our offer and theirs, and we said sure. When it came time to sign the paperwork, we saw that our original, lower offer was what their lawyer put in. We mentioned it to our lawyer and he said not to bring it up!

Another time, my wife saw a new restaurant called Tilted Kilt and said it looked good, we should go... so I said yeah! She was a bit surprised when we walked in the front door!